How can you tell we worship Money?
1. We ask you for it, often.
2. When we ask how you support yourself, we mean Financially, not spiritually.
3. We put everyone's soul through the same process. However, we make special accommodations for your Money.
4. We do not pool our Financial resources. After you have given us hundreds of Dollars, if you need anything, don't ask us for it!
5. The Money Church is no ordinary meat market. Give us your entertainment and cleaning services budget. Then, we will give you a wife. She is guaranteed to do all the entertaining and cleaning for you without charge. Every wife comes pre-enslaved by coercion. Only men are allowed to preach to women during services. We promote stories about women who felt ashamed to be single or child-free. We never cover topics that address the needs of women. We tell women to forgive and forget. We do not provide bodyguards or cell phones to women who travel alone. We send lone women out into the field to baptize men. Then, we tell them to be merciful and marry. That way, we do not waste Money on justice or violence prevention.
6. We operate using Capitalism. You provide the Capital. We provide the ism.
7. We charge you the Market price for spiritual retreats, regardless of your Income.
8. We tell you that you are giving us a Donation. It is mandatory that you give it. You can give more, if you want.
9. We ask you if you pay taxes. If you do, we can give you a deduction. Let us show you how much Money you can save. We want to know if you make enough Money to pay a hefty Tithe...and save on taxes.
10. We check your Financial records to make sure you are Tithing to the Money Church
11. We save you from sin. If you feel like sinning, just propose to any of the single women at church. They need protection from sinners. We won't give it to them. That way, when you promise to protect and serve, they might marry you out of desperation.
12. The deacons worship Money every day. We believe that when you give to us, you will be rewarded in the Market. We have faith that worshipping with us will add depth to your pockets.
13. We take Credit Cards in the Collection Plate.
14. We claim that we take care of widows and orphans. We tell wives and children to evangelize their husbands and parents. Their husbands and parents are dead until they have been born again. Maybe that makes them widows and orphans, but we're not taking care of them. We risk your daughters and sisters, not your Money.
15, We compete against major corporations for the souls of the people. The bodies of the people are expendable, especially after they have named us in a will. If people get sick, we visit and pray for them. We will not waste your Money preventing illness or injury.